Saturday, May 30, 2009

Whose Powerade was that?!

OMG. I love having days off to play in Disney World. I went to Typhoon Lagoon (for the first time), then Fantasia Gardens, then Downtown Disney with Carissa. So much fun!

-Um...none, really. The weather was nice and everything was a lot of fun.

-I went to Typhoon Lagoon with Carissa, one of my roommates. I rode the raft slides- Mayday Falls, Keelhaul Falls, and...uh...the Something-Or-Other Falls. I skipped out on the Crush 'n' Gusher, though. Not quite ready for that one.

-Carissa and I headed out to the Fantasia Gardens mini-golf course...$6 for cast members! We met her old roommate Krystina there, who's a seasonal CM...she's friends with Minnie Mouse, among others. We sucked, but we had so much fun.

-We went to DTD and grabbed dinner at Earl of Sandwich, then shopped around. I traded for a super rare Meet the Robinsons pin, and bought some killer Alice in Wonderland pajamas. "Killer" and "pajamas" don't really seem to belong in the same sentence, but seriously. They're awesome.

-Krystina had to head out, but Carissa and I went to see Up at the 11:30 showing. I love being a cast member...where else can you pay $6 for a nighttime movie ticket?! The movie was amazing. It's definitely the most emotional of all of Pixar's films, which is saying something. The montage in the beginning with Carl and Ellie is just heartrending. And then it's hysterical at the same time. The parks are selling a shirt with Dug the dog on it that say "I have just met you and I love you" and I'm so going to buy it.

On Thursday, though. When I get my paycheck. Money's awesome.

You may have heard that EPCOT stands for "Experimental Prototype Community of Tomorrow." Which it does. But it also stands for "Every Paycheck Comes On Thursday."

Or "Every Person Comes Out Tired."

Or. "Excruciating Polyester Costumes of Torture."

Take your pick.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Highlights and lowlights...of yesterday

I was too tired to do this last night...Fantasmic! training was super taxing last night. So I'm doing it now.

-I showed up early to meet my trainer, only to discover that my trainer had been scheduled somewhere else. So I did all my parade and HSM myself!

-I worked the redirect position for HSM: basically I held the rope closed, opened it for the float, closed it back up, then reopened it when it was safe. And those ropes are FRIGGING SHARP. I not only gouged my pointer finger and thumb open, but I projectile bled! Luckily, I realized fast enough to hide that hand behind my back until the guests went by.

-The first show of Fantasmic! was canceled because of the weather...people were unhappy.

-I was supergreeting with a guy named Rian, and he mentioned how great it was that I could recognize the people I had talked to earlier. It can be hard to do that sometimes...

-Because Fantasmic! was canceled, I got to see the 6-minute rain show version, called "A Taste of Fantasmic!". It rarely plays, so I was actually pretty pumped about it.

-My trainer met up with me before Fantasmic!, and she was the best trainer I've had all week.

-I am officially checked out to work Fantasmic! Yay!

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Don't wear polyester in Orlando...

So...I'm eventually going to blog about the past week and a half. It'll take awhile.

In the meantime, enjoy the highlights and lowlights of my shift at ToTS today.

-A woman getting angry that I put in her in the bleachers (as the theater was completely full) that she left (ducking under several ropes in the process) and sat in the handicapped section. Even though she was completely able-bodied. She told me she was mad because the row was empty and the handicapped people wouldn't need it.

-A family with "I'm celebrating" pins walked by. I asked what they were celebrating, and the mom happily said "Dad's not getting deployed!".

-A darling little boy with dimples not only waved back at me (some kids are too shy) but when I blew him a kiss, he blew it right back!

-Chatting with a lovely older couple about their plans in the park, and helping them find other attractions.

-A little girl came up in a Cinderella gown and tiara. I said "Hello, Princess Cinderella" and curtsied, and she was so happy her cheeks went pink.

-A guy asked me about where he could see "Fanastasia." Seriously. Hilarious.

Thursday, May 14, 2009


A few weeks ago my sister messaged me on Facebook. "You need to check out Hazel's page," she said. "She looks just like you now. She even has a boyfriend with a goofy smile like P's. It's like she's trying to be you."

(Please note that the individual's name is not really Hazel.)

I didn't really believe her. But I wrote on the wall of a friend who is friends with Hazel (Hazel and I no longer speak for a myriad of reasons) and there was her picture.

It was creepy. Her hair was the same length as mine. The same shade of red as mine. Her bangs are even cut the same and parted to the same side.

I couldn't resist. I checked out her page.

Sure enough, she's dating a guy who is faintly reminiscent of P. She's still a theater major and English minor, just like me. And then the thing that killed me...she's studying voice-over acting.

I will never get out from under her shadow. Never. I will always be a lesser person than her. She's always going to be prettier than me, more talented than me, more well-liked than me.

And she thinks I'm a selfish, self-centered, hysterical diva. I'm not even kidding. When we lived together (we lived in the same suite at school), she made it quite clear that I was just an over-emotional baby who needed to grow up. I freely admit that I am emotionally high-strung. Sixteen years of clinical depression will do that to a person. I have worked hard to grow up and mature and learn how to function like normal people do, and while I don't always succeed, I really do try.

But then I read this on her page:

"And I know, even a few of you smart guys are like, 'Everyone's equal, everyone's opinion is equal; everyone matters.' No. Everyone is equal, until the point they decide to open up and show the world how stupid and ignorant they actually are."

The mutual friend I mentioned above has the exact same quote on her wall. And it was put up about this time last year. Because, you see, there was a debacle last May. I had spent so long in emotional turmoil that the deterioration of my strongest relationship (which Hazel was a factor in) was, to put it bluntly, killing me. I had gotten two separate stress-related illnesses, my hair was falling out, I was constantly crying or hyperventilating over was just a bad situation, and I needed to get out of it. I needed the time and space to heal. And part of this healing process involved telling exactly what I felt, instead of hedging around the issues and lying in order to preserve the shaky peace and then calling P in hysterical tears because I couldn't function anymore. So I wrote my friend a long and painful letter, slept on it, and emailed it the next day.

It was incredibly rough, but once the initial tsunami of emotion was over, things got better. I was actually terrified to face her at church the next Sunday, but she actually hugged me...for the first time in a long time. Things were still very risky for a while. I still remember the time P called me when he was over at her brother's house, and I could hear her laughing in the background, and I broke down and sobbed. He tried to make me feel better by pointing out that I was making friends with other people, and maybe one of them would be a suitable best friend. I surprised both of us by blurting out, "I don't want a new best friend, I just want her!"

I don't know if P ever told her about that, or if she just went through her own mental processes, but we're friends again. I would even hesitate to say best friends. She chose to live down the hall instead of in the same suite, and it was the best decision for our friendship. We made time to see each other, we had special sushi-and-movie nights, we watched TV shows together. We even had a night during exam week where she was on her laptop and I read Cosmo while we watched adult swim, and she grinned at me and said "This is just like old times!" I'm so glad that we're back to being major players in each others' lives. It was one of the greatest terrors of my life that she would fade out of my life like so many other friends have, and I would, yet again, be all alone.

At the same time, damage has been done. When my friend and I had our initial falling-out at the beginning of last summer, both Hazel and another mutual friend dropped me from their lives. For the past year they've acted like I don't exist. And it hurts.

I want people to hate me or to love me. It's great when people love me. It makes life easier. When people hate me, I either win them over (like P's best friend and his sister) or I just learn to move on with my life (like with P's best friend's ex-girlfriend, which is another story for another emo-day). What hurts the most is when I don't matter enough to be loved or hated.

Hazel didn't love me. She didn't hate me. We were simply two people in the same circles.

To this day, I don't think she knows how much she's affected me, and to be honest, I don't think she would really care to know. She hates over-emotion. It would never matter to her what I say or what I do. Even if I called her up and said "Look, I know we've had our differences. I know we were such passive-aggressive rivals. I'm sorry for my part in it. I'm sorry what I've done," she wouldn't care. I don't think she would even acknowledged that she hurt me in any way, that it was just me being hypersensitive.

I hate living my life to beat her, but that's how I've been stuck for so long. I've tried to be a better friend than her. I've tried to be a better actress than her. I've tried to be prettier than her. I've tried to get people to love me more than her.

It's a poisonous way to live.

It didn't really start until I invited her to visit my church. And afterwards, people came up to me and said, "Oh my gosh, Hazel is just like you, only more."

More what?

More attractive?

More likeable?

More talented?

More socially adjusted?

Nothing hurts worse than being told that a fellow human being is "more" than you. It means you're not enough, and you'll never be enough, so you'll be replaced.

And I was replaced.

She's been out of my life for a while, but I still don't feel like myself. I feel that I am overly defensive. I feel that I am bitter. I feel that I am always looking for a fight. I feel that I am lost.

I just need to know that there is a place for me, and that there will always be a place for me. That no one will ever feel the need to replace me, because I am enough.

All I want is to be enough.

I've struggled with this for a long time, even before Hazel sauntered into my life. A lot of people talk about friends they've had since kindergarten or elementary school or even middle school. I don't have any of those. In fact, the only friends who have stuck by me for any stretch of time are people I met as a senior in high school.

I'm kind of a ding-dong-ditch friend. Even now, I get that. It's a vicious cycle. At first, I'm super close with the person. We're completely attached at the hip. Then something happens: they meet a newer, more exciting friend or we squabble over something or drama happens or something. Then they reject me...either by slowly drifting away, rebuffing my attempts to hang out or talk, or spectacularly, with public accusations and derisions.

The strongest memory I have is from my sophomore year of high school. My best friend at the time invited me and three of our mutual friends to a sleepover. I was excited- I was finally getting invited places. But then she sat all of us down, and with the three other girls present, she proceeded to spend an hour detailing all of my faults and how I could fix them. At the end of it, she had the audacity to pat me on the shoulder and say, "Oh, I'm so glad you didn't cry."

I couldn't cry. I was too shocked.

A few years later, one of the three witnesses emailed me and, on behalf of the two other girls, apologized for not saying anything. They knew that this was wrong, but they were too scared of the other girl to stop her.

I have closure now, and the girl and I have since made our peace, but that is a pattern that has followed me all my life- getting mocked and getting rejected, while everyone stands around with their mouth agape, watching me crumble and apologizing when it's all over.

Remember when I mentioned P's best friend's ex-girlfriend (whose codename is Gladys)? There was a big blow-up about her, and two of my closest friends bailed out on me. One of them chose not to get involved because Gladys had always been nice to her, and the other one had been emailing Gladys back-and-forth for two months, hearing all the lies that Gladys had to say about me without getting my side of the story. It hurt so badly that I lost my temper over it...and I'm still apologizing over that. (It was more than just losing my cool, I let my full-blown temper fly for a good hour, and it was totally uncalled-for). At the same time, I felt I was getting rejected again, and I felt like I had to fight.

Unfortunately, I fight too much. In the past year I've become a person I don't like, and I hope that going away for a while will allow me to get back to the person I used to be, a person I liked a whole lot better.

I'm sorry for all the angst. This has just been bottled up for a long time, and I need to let it out. I feel like I can never get past this if I never talk about it, and there just hasn't been a good time or place or uninvolved sounding board. So yeah. Thanks, internetz.

And if there is only one thing you take from all this: never, ever, under pain of death, tell another living, breathing, human being, that someone is "more" than they are.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009


It's been about a week and a half since I last updated this...but really, there hasn't been much to write about, except for packing, unpacking, repacking, and eleven loads of laundry. I wish I was exaggerating, but I'm not.

I finally have almost everything taken care of. I have new shoes, too. Awesome looking sandals. I love them.

They're ICarly shoes. And they're a size 4 1/2. In children's.

And I wonder why I'm routinely mistaken for fourteen or sixteen instead of my real age.

Seriously, though. I'm finally starting to get excited about going down, but it's sad, too. No one really seems like they're going to miss me, or even notice I'm gone. I kn0w my personality has kind of tanked in the last year, but really...have I burned so many bridges that people don't even care about me anymore? I got to see Kat and Rose one last time, I get to see Erin on Friday, and Patrick has spent a lot of time with me as of late (albeit after a tearful discussion...tearful on my part), but most of my friends have barely even acknowledged my existence, much less said good bye to me. It's kind of a bummer. I know I take rejection really hard already and I should just suck it up and move on...but really, would it kill my friends to say goodbye? Or even remember that I'm leaving? There were some people that don't even remember I'm going somewhere, much less for three months.

It doesn't help that I'm anxious about my roommate situation. Last time, I wasn't terribly close friends with the girls I lived with, but at least I already knew them. Now all I know is one girl who's going to live in my apartment, but I think she might have some party-girl tendencies...which is not me at all. I messaged her a couple of weeks ago to tell her a little about myself and ask her to write back about herself, but she never did.

Do people dislike me this much?

*sigh* Imma gunna finish packing now...

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Why the past few days have been awesome, and why I shall explode before two weeks are out

-I FINALLY got to hang out with Kat, Emma, and Rose. Seriously. Hasn't happened in forever.

-P took me on a picnic!

-P took me out for ice cream

-P took me shopping!!

-While shopping I got new sandals (with 3" heels!), new flipflops, a new white dress, new lip gloss, and new skivvies! Seriously, hit up Aerie. It's a good time. (Was this too much information? Sorry...)

-I got so excited about my new stuff that I ran to Kat's room to show her...we ended up just chilling out together for a couple of hours. She commented that it was just like old times.

-Did pretty much nothing. Then I cleaned for a while.

-World Lit I exam. It was actually much easier than I thought it would be. Hallelujah!

-I got two bags of sour gummie bears because the cashier girl in the school food court wasn't trying to gyp me like everybody else.

-I got free Panera. Including a cinnamon crunch bagel and some kind of chocolate praline cake.

-Mike the Almighty Director played my demo reel in Voice and Diction class as an example of a good one. Also, I have A's on all of my assignments for that class.

-I found out that not only am I presenting the underclassmen awards at the theater banquet, I'm making them. I immediately texted Kat that THERE WAZ A CRAFTING EMERGENCY.

-I called my mom to tell her that I would have to miss Lindsay's senior banquet because it's the same time as the theater banquet, and we ended up chatting for an hour. Let me tell you, that's not something that I ever thought would happen when I was a kid.

-Kat (after finishing an exam) saved my life and took me to Michaels, where I bought crafting supplies to make awards.

-Because of the humidity, the paint won't dry, so I resorted to sewing my dress and stopping to add a new coat of paint every two hours.

-My machine needle broke. I went to bed.

-I am sitting at work, wishing I was working on projects that need to be finished. I don't think I can make it to church...eighteen or so awards need to be completed!! And my dress too!

-I have to finish the awards.

-I have to finish my dress.

-Lindsay's last chorus performance is at 3:30.

-The banquet is at 6pm.

-I have to write six essays for my History of Theater exam.

-I have to work on the Death of a Salesman protocol (which is going to kill me).

-I have to pack.

-Marriage and the Christian Home exam.


-DOAS protocol.

-Script Analysis final meeting

-Finish packing.

-Physics exam (at $*&#@ 8am!!!!)

-Move most of the way home


-Finish moving out

-Start packing for Disney

-Star Trek and possibly Ren Fest...this is most likely the last big friend outing I'll have before I leave!

-Um...something is happening. I just can't remember what it is. It's definitely my last Sunday before I leave for Disney.

-Go to two different bridal shops to look for my gown and the girls' dresses.

-Get my license.

-Get my hair cut and redye it.

-Go to two doctor appointments.

-Spend as much time with P as possible.

-Deal with my dad's side of the family coming in for Lindsay's graduation.

-Go to Lindsay's graduation and get mentally prepared for her 18th birthday.

-And, oh yeah, move to Orlando for the Disney College Program.

Yeah. So that's why my updates are few and far between, and probably will be until I'm settled in Orlando. I'm glad I'm doing it and I'm grateful to get in, but seriously. I am going to die from exhaustion. "Caitlin was near death, but the doctor was able to help." (That's an Oregon Trail joke.) So did I miss anything?

Oh, yeah.


I am thrilled to little bits and pieces. Sure, it's not Adelaide, but what am I going to do? Throw hissy fits because I didn't get the exact part I wanted? I went a whole year without being in a mainstage production. Now I'm in three in one semester (I'm also still playing Missy in the pig show). It's going to be awesome. I'll blog more about that later, but for right now, yeah.

Now it's time to paint some spoons.